The habit of saying "I'm sorry"

“Doxology” by Addie Chapin

My ideal self is a person who does most things right most of the time. The ideal Meg goes to bed with a clean and orderly house—an empty sink, laundry put away, back packs ready for the next day, clutter removed. This ideal me also wakes up early to pray and read my bible, is dressed before my kids wake up, and is ready to greet the day and the people in my life with my best self filled with love. The ideal me can do and does do all that I think it should do. And yet, this ideal self is not the regular player in my life. I am the person living my life—the Meg who cannot do everything, who speaks harshly and responds in anger, who doesn’t always get the dishes done, who isn’t on top of laundry, who can’t keep my house clean and orderly, who wakes up with barely enough time to get out the door…you get the idea.

When I put the ideal of myself next to the real self who lives in my life, it can be easy to feel disappointed or discouraged. It’s easy to believe that doing things right will lead me to peace or to what I’ve determined is the ideal way of being in the world.

“If I can just get the right habits, the right wake up time, the right method, it will all be fine.” 

As I’ve been thinking about the “habits” that I crave (really life-betterment strategies), I’ve also been thinking about the habits the Holy Spirit has been cultivating in me that are more intangible than keeping a clean house, never getting angry, or waking up early. Without a doubt, I trust that the Spirit is at work in my heart growing the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When I wonder how that fruit is shaping my life I keep coming back to the idea of saying “I’m sorry.”

As a wife, mother, and friend, “I’m sorry” has become a phrase that I embrace and have to use often. No matter how much my heart may long for the ideal and desire to do things so well that no apology is ever needed, I regularly find that I need to say “I’m sorry.” You could say that saying “I’m sorry”—repenting—is a habit that the Holy Spirit has been cultivating in me. Repentance is humbling and challenging, but it is a gift. It is a gift to be humbled and tell my children that I was wrong and ask for their forgiveness. It is a mercy to apologize to a friend and find grace in their love.

This is how it is with God. Saying “sorry” is a habit of being human that God longs for. I continually find that my repentance, my acknowledgment of my mistakes, is always met with His grace and mercy. In saying “I’m sorry” I teach myself that I am dependent upon Jesus to be made whole. I will continue to lose my temper, to make mistakes, to let myself and others down, but Jesus is in the business of making life out of death.

Ash Wednesday is a time when the church historically smears “I’m sorry” on her forehead. The image of a cross of ashes is a simple, profound expression that we are dead in our sin, we are dust.

But Jesus.

Jesus takes on the frailty of our humanity and dies in our place, and rises three days later—the dust and ashes of Jesus’s death is the path to resurrection, new life, and hope. This beauty of the cross and resurrection shows me that when I cultivate the habit of repentance, I say “sorry” in hope of new life for me.