Staying Connected: Chris Rohde
Friday night, March 20. Having just completed my first week of working from home due to COVID-19, I skipped out to go to a friend’s property for a small gathering for a friend’s birthday. I know, I just lost a few of you. In our defense, it was a small group (maybe 10), BYOB, outside, around a fire, maintaining social distance, with a bucket of a bleach solution to disinfect anything that needed it, including our hands. I went to celebrate a friend and because I generally find time with this group to be life-giving, and I needed hope. On this night, I found it to be the opposite.
Like so many conversations during this upside-down time, the conversation ran to the pandemic. As we waited in the spitting rain for the birthday boy, I stood quietly as my friends, all of whom are Christians, spoke of how the world would never be the same. How most of us would be jobless, or homeless. How the news had caused some to fall deep into anxiety, where the only solution was to avoid the news for a full day (not a bad idea for any of us). And in the midst of this, how did I feel? Confused.
You see, I haven’t felt very anxious or fearful in this time. Like at all, which is weird for a guy that had to go on anxiety medication after getting engaged. So, imagine my surprise when I am standing in a group of men who have often encouraged me in seasons of anxiety, and I am not the anxious one. In the face of that of course I felt confused, but then I started to feel a different emotion. I started to feel the low rumble of anger.
In that moment (and many similar moments during the past few weeks), I found myself angry at my friends. Why? Pride. Self-righteousness. And, I now see, fear. Instead of feeling the anxiety and fear that seem to be gripping the world, I have felt this strange peace. In my sinfulness, I did two things. One, I gave myself at least part of the credit for that peace. I thought I had this peace because of good habits towards news and social media, or because “I trust God more.” But at the same time, I felt the Spirit prodding my heart saying, “Hey, you have nothing to do with this. This is a peace from God.”
Two, I reacted with fear. This peace that I feel, its unnatural; especially for me. Since at least high school, I have struggled off and on with anxiety. This has led to many sleepless nights, panic attacks, upset stomachs, and late-night calls with friends or family. At its worst, a little over a year ago, it led to two full days of feeling completely unable to do my work. By God’s grace, including counseling and pharmaceuticals, that season passed and anxiety has been a memory instead of a present reality for me. But, in light of that history, a very real fear of mine is returning to that anxious state.
So, in the face of my brothers’ fear, I grew angry. Not because I didn’t think they should be afraid, or because we are a people who live by faith and not fear. No, I grew angry because, deep down, I was afraid of being afraid. I was afraid that this peace that I feel would be driven away by fear. It’s taken a week of the Holy Spirit opening up my eyes to scripture and prodding my heart to see that clearly. But, the Spirit also provided this unnatural peace, which is not reliant on me avoiding those who are afraid. So, what I am supposed to do with this peace? Not surprisingly, God’s Word had an answer.
Sitting at our dining room table on Wednesday wrestling with all of this, I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians 12:1-11, the New Testament passage from the Lectionary for the day. As I sat there reading about gifts from the Spirit, these verses hit me like a spiked volleyball from one of the Bonkovsky boys, “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good…All these [gifts] are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as [God] wills.” (1 Corinthians 12:7, 11). In that moment, the Spirit pulled up to the table and made it clear to me that this peace I feel is a gift from him and that it is not just for me, or anyone else who has felt peace during this time, but is to be shared, for the good of the church and for God’s glory.
So, trusting that God works in spite of our messy, sinful selves, may I share my peace with you?
First, it’s ok to be scared. This is a scary situation. There is some microscopic force that is spreading rapidly around the world taking people’s lives. Not only that, it has upended our normal life, which is leading to the loss of jobs and security. All of that is true. That tightness you feel in your chest, and the way your mind can’t seem to move off of the continual circle of worry for the future, that also makes sense in light of these circumstances.
But we do not have to be afraid. There is hope. Not in some miracle drug. Not in some political, economic, or social strategy. Not even in the might of medical science. But in God. The God who says to Jacob, “Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go.” The God who seals that promise to us in Immanuel. The God who through the apostle Paul says that “neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation [including COVID-19], will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” God is not some distant magnate, but our loving Father who deeply cares for his children. Even in the midst of this insanity, God is sovereign. As the answer to Heidelberg Catechism 1 says “He watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heave; in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.” God is in control. And like Mr. Beaver says to Lucy about Aslan, he is good.
Second, it’s right to be sad. People are hurting, and in some cases, dying. This isn’t natural. It’s not the way things are supposed to be. COVID-19 is part of the curse. We should mourn. We should always mourn the results of the curse. But God, who mourns death with us, sent Jesus to conquer sin and death and to give us the promise of resurrection. What a sweet promise; that everything sad will come untrue. What hope we have in that resurrection, even in the midst of COVID-19.
If I may offer some encouragement, as one who has suffered through many long dark days and nights of anxiety, here are some things that I have found helpful:
Take up and read
Read the psalms. There is no emotion that you can experience that is not voiced in the psalms. I have spent many a night weeping through the psalms in my fear and anxiety.
Read the gospels. Look to Jesus, who through his life, death, and resurrection defeated death.
Read the church. This is not the first plague the Church has weathered, nor will it probably be the last. This is a moment when our older brothers and sisters can really encourage us. If you need a place to start, start with these resources.
Rest
Focus on today, or even on this particular moment. In my experience, anxiety feeds on thoughts of the future. But the thing about focusing on the future is that it is entirely out of your hands. And, perhaps more importantly, it is not something you can predict. If you want very strong words on this, read Chapter XV of the Screwtape Letters. So, instead of focusing on the future, take a deep breath and focus on the present. What do you need to do right now? What do your kids need, or what does your boss need? And when today is done, plan out tomorrow. All of it. Every minute. You won’t keep that plan, but at least it’s a start.
Take a walk/run. In the midst of the worst of my anxiety, I would take three or four long walks during the day. There is a whole bunch of science behind why this helps, but it really boils down to anxiety being partly a physical response to fear. By taking long, strenuous walks, running, or working out, you physically engage your body, get your heart rate up, and physically tire your body. This is especially true in this time of isolation. Being in creation, breathing fresh air, is good for you, body and soul.
Turn off the computer or TV. I mean really, what good is seeing the numbers or hearing the doomsayers doing for you? And distraction only works for a little while.
Community
Pray with others. You know what use to really help in the midst of panic attacks or anxiety filled nights, calling a friend (even if it was 1 or 2am) and praying. Even if we cannot pray together in person, by God’s grace we have these obnoxious devices that let us talk to, and even see, each other at any time.
Spend time with others. In the midst of my anxiety, I would seek out others. Not as a distraction, but as an encouragement. Call friends and pray for them and for peace. Write long letters to friends and family. And, following the medical guidance and using wisdom, maybe meet face-to-face (six feet apart of course) with a few close friends.
Be embraced by the Church. It may feel weird, but join in what City Church is doing right now. Do City Group over Zoom. Do the home worship guide with a few other families over Zoom. And long for the day we can be gathered at the Lord’s Table together again.
For all of you who feel overwhelmed by your fear and anxiety, know that I have been there. Those scars are still raw. I mourn for you. I long to be with you. But also know that I am praying for you, for us all. That the Spirit would bring all of us a peace that surpasses understanding. I pray that in the midst of COVID-19, that we would all find our peace and rest in Christ. Peace be with you all.
During this time when we can't be in the same physical space, it's important that we make an intentional effort to stay connected in other ways. We would love for you to write a blog post or record a brief video or audio update sharing what this strange time is like for you and how you are seeking (and seeing!) Jesus in the midst of it. We hope to share these posts via this email newsletter, our website, and our social media channels.
If you have something you'd like to share, email it to Val (val@citychurchrva.com) or contact her with ideas, suggestions, or questions.