Three Parenting Pitfalls (and Some Advice on How to Avoid Them)

For those whom God has called to raise children—whether they are our biological, adopted, or foster children—I have observed (in myself, as well as in others) three common missteps that only lead to further heartache in raising children. 

Believe me, there is already enough heartache as a parent when you feel as though you are doing everything right! But how do we add to that?

Viewing family as secondary

First, it can be easy to see your spouse and children as merely the context in which you live out the rest of your life—the context in which you answer God’s call to love Him, as well as your neighbor. But this would be incomplete and, frankly, wrong. 

Your family is not merely the environment in which you answer God’s call: it is the primary way in which God is calling you to be obedient to him. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, we read that husbands and wives are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. The husband is to lay down his life in love, just as Christ laid down his life for his people. The wife is to submit to her husband just as all Christians submit to Jesus as head of his church. Children are to honor their parents as those parents bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 

There is no other relationship like that of the family, one which is sealed in covenantal vows made before God and man. The most important and highest call you have, if you are a parent, is loving your spouse and raising your children in the nurture of the Lord. Everything else is secondary to this call.

Being secondary doesn’t mean unimportant, mind you. There is great freedom for parents to pursue that which is good and true and beautiful…but we must always see that there is good and truth and beauty in raising our children.

This means that you might need to say no to good things in order to spend more time with your  family. It means putting away the phone and not answering work emails so that you can roll around on the floor with your kids. Do you view your family as the primary call upon your life by God? How do your decisions reflect this truth?

Neglecting friendship

Second, it can be equally as easy to spend so much time with your family that you slowly never make time for any other meaningful relationships in your life. After reading the last paragraph, one could feel guilty for spending any time away from your spouse and children. But making your family a priority does not mean that they occupy the throne of your heart.

Jesus is the one who sits on the throne.

God made us all to have meaningful relationships, whether we are single, married, or parents. All of us are called to live our lives in the context of other believers and non-believers. Being family minded is not a valid excuse for neglecting meaningful friendships.

It might mean that your time with friends needs to go on the calendar or be adjusted in conversation with your spouse as you have children. It might mean you have periods of time in the early years where you don’t see your friend as much as you used to….but to not ever see them or speak with them?! That is a recipe for disaster.

Your spouse and your children need you to have meaningful and deep friendships outside of the family. Who, outside of your spouse, knows what is going on in your heart? Who do you bear your soul to? Who do you laugh and cry with? Many people will say that their spouse is their best friend. I understand what they mean when they say something like that, but you need a best friend or two who are not your spouse.

You will be a better mother and a better father when you make time for yourself among friends. When in the next month could you schedule some time on the phone with a friend or a night out with someone who knows you and can speak truth to you? If you don’t have it on the calendar, schedule it now before you finish reading this post!

Believing strong leadership means self-sufficiency

Third, and I cannot emphasize this enough, being a good parent does not mean being able to do it all on your own. God did not call you to raise your child so that you could learn how to become fully self-sufficient. He called you to become a parent so that you would grow in your need of Jesus. Perhaps I do not have to belabor this point to the parents reading this; many of you will fully acknowledge your shortcomings and your need of God’s sustaining grace. But in those moments when tensions are high, I know that I get even more frustrated with circumstances (read: my children) because I functionally believe that I am supposed to be able to handle all that life is throwing me.

God called you as a parent so that you would grow in dependance upon Jesus and the grace given to us by his Spirit. And we can experience more and more of God’s grace through the people God has put in our lives. So reach out in frustration to your friends and ask for prayer. Stop feeling the pressure to make the perfect social media post. Your glory is in your savior Jesus, not in your ability to raise children.

Have you stopped in a moment of frustration or chaos to ask for God’s grace and wisdom? Have you asked for forgiveness from your spouse and repented from sin? Have you said you are sorry and modeled your own need of grace to your children? 

You can’t be the perfect parent, but the good news is that God is not calling you to be the perfect parent. He is calling you to be a grace-dependent parent who manages after two decades to do an okay job. There is freedom in that statement, and there is weightiness in our calling. But God didn’t call you by accident, and he is with you always.